For most of us that are doing the work, you begin to have many revelations and unprecedented clarity about life as it really is and not as you’ve been conditioned to perceive it. I’ve been in therapy for a little over a year now and have experienced both of those things. Perhaps my biggest revelation thus far has been that trauma is not just huge, cataclysmic, life-altering events like going off to war or being physically abused; it more often than not is a collection of small, seemingly non-life-altering events that accumulate and compound over time.
I dubbed myself as a #selfhealer after closely following Dr. Nicole LePera’s work on Instagram. (Her handle is @the.holistic.psychologist in case you’d like to follow – I highly recommend.) A big part of my self-healing journey has been journaling. I wrote this entry in my journal on November 16, 2020 and I thought it was pretty profound as relates to my journey and I wanted to share it with anyone who might be reading this.
At a certain age, my parents stopped attuning to my emotional needs. This is not an isolated story and I do not feel victimized by it. So many of my peers share similar experiences. I love my parents very much and do not fault them for this; it’s very much a generational trauma that was passed down to them. Nonetheless, when that happened, I became a “fixer.” This was a defense mechanism in order to try and control my environment where I essentially became the parent and in turn attuned to my parents’ emotional needs as if they were my children.
This role of being the “fixer” became my identity and I truly believe it was by playing and fulfilling that role that led to chaos in my life. How? Well, I began to believe that I thrived in the chaos and let in situations, people, beliefs that fit that identity. Look at me, standing strong and weathering the storm in the most chaotic of situations, not batting an eye and remaining cool as a cucumber. I believe that this identity led me to my career in public relations.
When I started to really do my work, I realized that this persona and identity that I had adopted and adapted to wasn’t actually me. And, let me just say, that is has made things really uncomfortable as I transition more into my authentic self and pursue a career that feels more aligned.
However, my collective experiences brought me here; a fixer becoming a healer. Not just slapping a band-aid or doing a quick fix, but doing the deep, hard work. But my experiences as a fixer have and will aid me in my true path as a healer.
This is to say, trust your path. Even if it feels like you wasted your time or you question why you didn’t do something sooner; it’s all for a reason.